At first the Steak and Pepper Pie didn’t really believe he was in any real immediate danger. For one, he was cold. He knew he was nowhere near as appealing as when he was hot. Secondly, he heard Lorna, just the night before; she said she was going to be taking him for lunch today. Although it was nearly lunchtime, right at this very moment, Steaky knew Lorna had forgotten him. Once he heard the front door slam shut earlier this morning, he knew she was gone and wouldn’t be coming back. Steaky planned on using his stroke of good luck to play with the other foods all day, stored in the fridge beside him.

Yes, at first he didn’t believe he was in danger. But . . . once the refrigerator door unexpectedly opened, right around the time he was supposed to be coming out of Lorna’s fridge at work, Steaky’s heart started beating a little faster. And what really got Steaky’s little heart going was, the fridge door was being opened by Rob.

Rob was an evil, evil guy. Just the night previous, he had not only eaten one, but TWO, of his buddies. You see, the Steak and Pepper Pie had been brought home by Lorna, from a boutique pie shop, and had been cut in quarters last night.

This is how Steaky was born, he became one of those quarters. The only quarter to survive the night.

Steaky panicked as Rob reached toward him, only to breathe a sigh of relief as he grabbed the couscous instead, sitting right next to Steaky on the shelf. Steaky tried to calm down by thinking happy thoughts.

Barely a few moments later, so suddenly he hardly had time to think, Steaky found himself being ripped out of the comfortable fridge and jammed into the microwave. Steaky knew the tone of the beeps being pressed outside of the dooms-day machine. It was an in-built talent, like the way a baby calf knows to suck milk from its Mother’s teet. Steaky read those beeps like Morse Code. High for forty five seconds.

Right. Steaky realized he had forty five seconds to figure this mess out. What was to become of him? How could he escape?

As he heated up to the perfect temperature, the temperature he knew Human’s loved to eat him at, he tried moving his whole body. He tried and he tried and he tried.
If I can just move my entire body, when evil Rob grabs for me, maybe I’ll be able to jump away and escape, he thought.

The microwave oven, the dooms-day machine, signaled the end of its heating process and Rob wasted no time in proceeding to fulfill his filling-of-the-stomach prophecy. He reached in for Steaky.

Steaky thought as hard as he could. He tried to make his steak, pepper and pastry mass move off the plate . . . but it was no good. He couldn’t do it. Steaky was slowly coming to grips with the imminent terror his three buddies had experienced the night before. He couldn’t understand why this was happening to him?

And as Steaky was being picked up by Rob, as the tip of his saucy brown head was inching closer to Evil Rob’s teeth, he remembered that Rob had warned Lorna the night before.

“Please understand,” Rob had said to Lorna as he glad-wrapped Steaky. “That if you forget to take this piece of pie to work tomorrow he is absolutely done-for. There is no chance of you seeing him when you get home.”
And that memory alone instantly put Steaky at ease. Although he knew Lorna would be upset that she hadn’t been the one to eat him, he fully understood that this important event, his lunch-time death, was all just a part of destiny.
He was destined to be killed at lunch time today!
Steaky was no coward. In fact, he was a hero! He decided he was going to go down in a blaze of glory in the exact way destiny had foretold. It all made sense. There was nothing to be scared about any longer.

Yes indeed. Evil Rob had warned Lorna. But, in a way, he had warned Steaky too.
Steaky held his head high, proud in the fact that he knew he had lived out his life, and was now going to die, in exactly the way he was born to do so.

And as Evil Rob’s giant teeth came crushing down on Steaky’s poor little pastry brown head, completely shattering Steaky and sending his Soul onto its next adventure, all Rob could think was, “God damn, this is a fucking great pie!”

Long live Steaky and all he stood for!